Happiness: A fairy tale?

I often sit and wonder if I will ever be happy... then I have to take a step back and wonder if I know what happiness is. When was the last time I was happy? Do I even know? If I don't know the definition of "Happy" then how do I know when the last time I was happy? Happy: Enjoying, showing, or marked by pleasure, satisfaction, or joy. Okay...that's one definition. To go by this one, I don't remember FEELING joy. I truly don't. Happy: favored by luck or fortune. This definition means the same thing basically as fortunate and I have been fortunate in a few areas, so in that respect, I have been "happy" I guess you could say. Happy: Enjoying or characterized by well-being and contentment. Am I content? No. I always want better. I would say in this respect, no, I'm not happy.

So, the overall consensus is, I don't believe I'm happy. I don't know what I was last happy. If I had to pick a time, it would be when I was pregnant with my first child, 9 years ago. Which is odd, because my husband was laid off from his job at the time, I didn't have a job, and I was pregnant, but I didn't care. I was happy. I didn't have anxiety. No meds. No therapy. Just my husband, myself, and my unborn child. When did it all change? Where did it all go? When will I get it back?

Song....

Bad Day by Daniel Powter

Lyrics:
Where is the moment we needed the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to gray
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on

You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee you go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces every time
And I don't need no carryin' on

Because you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Will you need a blue sky holiday?
The point is they laugh at what you say
And I don't need no carryin' on

You had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day

(Oooh.. a holiday..)

Sometimes the system goes on the blink
And the whole thing turns out wrong
You might not make it back and you know
That you could be well oh that strong
And I'm not wrong

(yeah...)

So where is the passion when you need it the most
Oh you and I
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
You've seen what you like
And how does it feel for one more time
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

What Do You Do...

What do you do when you feel like you've done everything you can think of and it's STILL not enough? I feel like I'm a total failure. I feel like I've done everything humanly possible and it's still not good enough and I just don't know what else to do. I don't have that much to write, but I just needed to vent a bit. I'm frustrated.
This song particularly stands out in my head:

Lyrics:
What have I done
Wish I could run
Away from this ship going under
Just trying to help
Hurt everyone else
Now I feel the weight of the world
Is on my shoulders

What can you do
When ur good isn't good enough
And all that u touch tumbles down
Cause my best intentions
Keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take
Oh how many times will it take
For me to get it right
To get it right

Can I start again
With my faith shaken
Cause I can't go back and undo this
I just have to stay and face my mistakes
But if I get stronger and wiser
I'll get through this
What can you do
When ur good isn't good enough
And all that u touch tumbles down

Cause my best intentions
Keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take
Oh how many times will it take
For me to get it right

So I throw up my fist
Throw a punch in the air and
Accept the truth that sometimes life isn't fair
Yea I'll send out a wish
Yea I'll send up a prayer
And finally someone will see
How much I care

What can you do
When ur good isn't good enough
And all that u touch tumbles down
Oh my best intentions
Keep making a mess of things
Just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take
Oh how many times will it take

So Much To Do....

I am so frustrated! The stuff I have to do just keeps piling up and piling up! I know it needs to be done. I WANT to do it. I need to do it. I just....can't do it. The more things pile up, the more anxious I feel and the less I feel I can do it. I kind of "freeze" when I get overwhelmed and then it piles up and I get more anxious about all of the work. I feel like my house is a pit. That's the biggest problem. I've gotten all the cleaning supplies together, but now I JUST CAN'T DO IT! What frustrates me even more, I that my husband sits here and doesn't help out, but complains of the state of the house. Well, HELP CLEAN IT! Then maybe it wouldn't pile up so! UGH!!!  The laundry is the same! I get it washed and brought upstairs, but we don't get it folded in a timely manner, so it piles up and we have 5 or 6 loads of CLEAN laundry sitting there. Classy, right? Okay, now that you all know that I'm a slob..... I feel like I have SO MUCH TO DO!!!

What's My Diagnosis?

When the going gets tough.......the BPD rears it's ugly head! It has been one hell of a month! I don't know if I'm coming or going, what day of the week it is, if it's day or night, or what in the heck is going on! First, I have to deal with the whole med change, which I am happy to say, today was my first day completely off the Valium, which is 3 days earlier than the doctor's predicted. I am fully on the new anxiety med, but I don't think I am fond of it. Second, the most interesting thing that has happened during this past month, is that I HAVE BEEN MANIC! That has not happened in a long, long, long time. I haven't slept very well in about a week. I finally fall asleep around 5am, just to get up usually around 8am, if not earlier. I probably have the cleanest house around at the moment, but the emptiest bank account. :(   Last night, however, despite not being able to sleep, I was in a bad, bad place. My mood is very different this past month than it has been. I've talked to my therapist and my med doctor. They are now thinking of adding Bipolar to my diagnosis as well as BPD. So, if I had to write down my ever on a page what I was diagnosed with (total/whole body), I would need an extra sheet of paper! JUST SAYIN' ! 

Prescriptions, Prescriptions, WHAT? Another Prescription?

Ahhhh....the joys of BPD! This med, that med, no, this med...oh, yay, we finally found the right combination of meds...well, meds that work for your symptoms, because, in reality, there is NO medicine for BPD, just for the symptoms, but let's face it, the symptoms are a big trigger! Depression and anxiety, to name a couple! OMG! Here I am, 2 years after they have finally found the right combination that works, 2 years out of DBT, still going to therapy like a good girl ;) and all of a sudden, the anxiety gets worse, and I feel I just can't cope anymore. "Let's try to change things up a bit!" WONDERFUL! I know it's the right thing to do, because I know my body is used to the meds, but I am so scared of change, it is unbelievable. So, here I am, facing a new med change, weaning off my anxiety meds, when my anxiety is at it's fullest, and having to start a new one, which we don't know if it will work. And did I mention that going off meds NEVER goes well for me? Even my doctor commented how conservative the weaning process will be because my body reacts so poorly to going off meds! So, This is a big step for me. I just need to take a big breath and jump in and do it! Ready, set..........

So WHAT!

 I know I wrote this as a document, but I liked it and wanted to put it as my first entry in my blog.

So WHAT!





I have BPD! SO WHAT!! BIG DEAL! WHO CARES! That is what makes me unique. I like to be different..to stand out! That's why God gave me this challenge. He BELIEVES that I am strong enough to ENDURE everything that comes with BPD. And you know what? I AM!

You see...WE ALL ARE! Being diagnosed with BPD isn't the end of the world. It means that you are unique and unique is GOOD! Who wants to be the same as everyone else? I sure don't. Being the same is BORING! This is a GIFT, not a PUNISHMENT. A chance to look deep inside ourselves to see what's really in there...to see how strong we are...what we are really made of. He doesn't give us more than what we can handle. This is true. BPD isn't easy, I'll give you that. But we handle it, we deal with it, we survive it! Why? Because we ARE STRONG! We find a strength within ourselves that we didn't know we even had. And the best part...we have the strongest sense of empathy for other people than anyone else. We are able to provide support like nobody else and that, my friends, is the BEST GIFT EVER, because support is possibly the #1 factor that can help anybody who is suffering from ANY mental illness. So take this time to EMBRACE yourself and your BPD, not frown upon it, because....SO WHAT? ~Freedom~